Wondering

I wonder if it’ll be okay, eventually.

I mean, I did think it would all be okay with R last year. Even when he got himself locked up, I wanted to make it work. And he liked that I was there for him. Sometimes I wonder if I should write back to him. I told his sister to tell him Happy Birthday in March, so she did, and he wrote me back. It’s been 3 months and I haven’t replied to him. I haven’t known what to say or if there’s anything to say. I cared a lot about him but I never fully got what I wanted UNTIL he was locked up. And then he saw how badly he treated me and how convoluted his life was. I’m sure a great deal of it came from just not wanting to be in jail and then prison. I’m sure a lot of it was him wanting someone to talk to. Completely selfish. But at the same time, I couldn’t help but feel that he just really missed me.

And then I look at T and I feel like he needs me but doesn’t know it. I want him to need me. I need him to need me. Not want. Need. He’s not stable. From what he told me yesterday, the last time he was stable and happy was six years ago and I think I know why. He had a loss right around that time. I think that sent him spiraling. And also..I think he’s drawing comparisons to how every girl should be based on six years ago.

I’m going to go watch this guy fap on stickam now.