Nobody Knows
I like that I can just be here and nobody knows.
I texted T today. I asked him if he wants to go see a movie Friday or Saturday but he replied that he doesn’t have the money to go to a movie, so I replied “Redbox”. No reply from him, but I know he’s working on some writing for his e-fed tonight. I need to have faith that things will work out how I want them to.
It is the most infuriating thing to know clearly what I want but to feel like, at the same time, controlling my own actions is impossible. When T and I argue, it’s like something in me knows every single button to push so that he blows up. And part of me likes the drama. Part of me likes the crying. Part of me likes seeing how far I can make him blow up and still love me. I wish I weren’t this way. I want a normal relationship that advances normally. I want a long-term boyfriend, a husband, children. A happy marriage. Grand children. I feel like I’m drowning in wishes and dreams but remaining still in the present. Everything is “maybe someday” or “maybe if I can learn to control myself” or “i’ll be good this time”. I’m sure some or most of it has to do with my own relationship role models. My Grandparent’s don’t fight ‘fair’. I’m not sure any couple in the world really uses that “i feel” bullshit that therapists push, 100% of the time. What in my brain makes me like conflict? Thrive on it? I need to find out because it’s making me miserable. It’s making my goals impossible. I want T back.
He’s not a Prince Charming. He’s not rich, *the most* handsome man in the world or without flaw. Neither am I. I am so flawed. He’s just a normal guy. A normal guy who does dorky things who started our relationship by texting me in a movie theater that he really wanted to kiss me. And I let him in. I let him pour into me so quickly. And the pool settled and all of my holes were full, for a while. I felt like sometimes he didn’t want to communicate, didn’t want me as much as I wanted him. But now I wonder if I wanted him to fill holes that didn’t exist yet? Holes that I should be filling with my own hobbies? Holes that I should be filling with self-worth. Canyons that should be filled with friends. Maybe I needed more stuff to keep me busy, rather than needing him all of the time. And that made me bitter. And that made me push. That made me lonely. That made me lose him.
In other news…both of my applications for LPN programs are in and now I wait on the committee to meet and decide my fate. I scored an 85.something TEAS score which puts me in the 91st percentile. I just hope that’s good enough because I need this.
I’m so tired of my retail job. Everything about it bores me. The little things that my manager considers important are stupid. “Ask every customer to buy this Butterfinger” Seriously? As a customer, that shit annoys me. I refuse to ask. What, is he going to stand behind me all day and make sure I ask? Maybe I’m a nonconformist, or maybe it really is as ridiculous as I feel it is, but if he wants to get rid of me because I won’t force Butterfingers down customer’s throats, then so be it! Retail was never going to be my life. The only thing that keeps me going in that job is the friendships I have formed with my coworkers. Otherwise, I wouldn’t even be there.
